Review of Queensland's Coast (as seen from cruise ship)

Over the last few days, we followed more or less the path of captain Cook he’s taken over 200 years ago.  Unlike our predecessor though we had no interesting shipwrecking experiences and neither any culinary encounters with the aborigines.  From Sydney we traced the eastern outline of the continent weaving in and out through the holes in Great Barrier Reef.  In this manner we got almost to the north-easternmost tip of the continent, Cape York, but by then the ship’s cafeteria started to run out of food, so we turned back.   During this voyage, few times we’ve got to walk on land, and thus I’ve got some exposure to Queensland, part of Australia not yet sufficiently covered by the talented Bill Bryson’s book.  Bryson does mention Queensland quite a few times, but usually in the context of anecdotes about  people killed by sharks or alligators.  Today I’ll try to provide you with more practical review.

First and foremost, in December Queensland very hot and humid.   Captain Cook, made a better choice by visiting this coast in winter months of June-July, and then he promptly left, evidently preferring to be killed and possibly eaten in Hawaii, rather than hang around in Queensland throughout hot season.

Second observation: ship as large as ours has a major design flaw – it can’t fit in most f the ports.  Usually the closest it can get to shore is about 1 mile.  From there all further communications with the land happen by means of smaller boats, a process so slow and tedious that it can only be compared to crossing the desert on camels.  Imagine a line of 3000 passengers, many with canes and walkers,  climbing into smaller boats in a single file – I think this should give you an idea.  And now consider that the same process repeats on the way back.  And this is still not the whole story…  When you finally touch the ground, you’ll usually find that instead of landing in some kind of tourist paradise, you’ve been brought to a forsaken harbour many miles away from the nearest souvenir stand.  There is not even a taxi that can connect you with the inhabited world, you’d have to take a chartered bus to get to places of any interest.  To the credit of the cruise management, they do provide buses, albeit at cut-throat prices, far more than a taxi would cost… of course if there were any taxis. 

As the line of passengers slowly loads in the boats, there is a customs officer who checks every bag, it's strictly forbidden to bring any of the ship's delicacies onshore,cooked or uncooked.   Supposedly it’s done for the sake of protecting the environment, although from all the reading I’ve done on the subject, I’ve got the impression that all forms of life capable of surviving in this climate were already brought in,  al the damage has been already done.  Not to mention that the customs process seems to be very ineffective.  Despite our best effort to comply with Australia’s laws, later on we would invariably find that we unwittingly smuggled in some dangerous items, i.e. a packet of nuts, few raisins, bread crumbs, etc.  I think that this customs procedure serves the same process as security in the airports, a “feel good”  gesture, so nobody can say that the Government doesn’t care.  The advantage over the airport security however is that the process is a) much faster b) done by a sniffing dog, a creature with much better sense of humor than a typical TSA employee.

When one of these dogs tried to sniff Michelle, she lost no time in grabbing tail-wagging officer by the ear, and then both looked tremendously pleased with the incident.  Now try this at airport, grab security guy by the ear… and I think you’ll miss your flight.

Third observation: all towns along the Queensland coast were established to serve the needs of gold diggers, during Australia’s gold rush.  After the last gold nugget has been removed about 100 years ago, the only reason these towns still exist is because of the tourists.  Yet in Australia, 100 years doesn’t seem long enough to build acceptable tourist infrastructure.  Imagine 11-store ship, big as an island, with 3000 rich passengers onboard, approaching a tiny town of far lesser size.  Wouldn’t you expect a sort of hero welcome?  Ok, maybe not an orchestra, but at least a couple of taxis? 

When you eventually get into town and stumble upon a tourist outlet, you find out that all morning tours have already left, and afternoon tours are not available to you because they return to port only after your cruise ship already leaves. Honestly I don’t quite understand why whoever runs this tour business can’t be more flexible with the schedule, at least on those infrequent day when ship with 3000 arrives.   In the few hours that cruise passengers got to spend on land, the choice of things to do is rather underwhelming.   Curiously, there are far more agencies that would sell you trips to the opposite corners of the continent, than those which sell trips to Great Barrier Reef, which is only 30 miles away.  Also, local tours always seem to be overpriced, by comparing the advertisements in the flyers, sometimes it seems it’s cheaper to fly to the far end of the Universe, than take a bus trip around town.

Now a quick tourbook-style review of the places we've visited.

Hamilton Island
This is a tourist trap, in almost literal sense of the word, getting out of there is much more difficult than getting in.
The only place worth attention was a very mediocre beach and few hotel pools with swim-in bars.  You have to pay for the convenience though, it’s $4 per small bottle of water... the price of beer I was afraid to ask.  When we arrived, I was mislead by the scale-less map and went to rent a buggy - an electric car, which manages to stink far more than the ones powered by gas, a surprising engineering achievement.  After quick drive around the island, however, I discovered that the place where I walked to rent this buggy was about the furthermost point.  Of other attractions, I should note a sculpture of a giant figa (kukish)!  I think this is the most appropriate symbol for Hamilton island.  (P.S. after reviewing my photos, I have to admit that the views there are quite beautiful, it’s a pity there seem to be so little to do, besides enjoying the landscape)

Brisbane
It was quite unexpected to discover that some cities in Australia do not  have a beach.  Rather weird circumstance in b country where there are more miles of coastal sand than there are people.  In recent times Brisbanites tried to correct the original planning oversight and built an artificial beach in the middle of the city.  As far as artificial beaches go it’s very nice, and I mean it.  I just hope that nobody pees in the artificial ocean like they would in natural one.  It would be hard to clean.
Among other attraction, I should mention very pleasant city center.  It was however impossibly crowded, more than Manhattan (that’s why I said “impossibly crowded”).  It was also very hot… that’s why we spent most of the time eating ice cream on artificial beach.  The ice cream was delicious!

Cairns
Another Australian city that doesn’t have a beach.  Instead there is an artificial lagoon (I see a pattern here).  As far as artificial lagoons go, I think it’s the best I’ve seen, quite nice indeed, but I was still concerned about people peeing in it.  Cairns is advertised as the best place from where you can explore Great Barrier Reef.  However for reasons explained earlier, we didn't have time for any tours.  We spent most of our time there hanging around lagoon and had ice cream.

Port Douglas
Not sure whether this port is also a city, but harbour there is excellent, with countless shops and inexpensive Internet, it has more signs of life than I’ve seen at any of our landing spots.  The main attraction however is a zoo located somewhere on outskirts, called Rainforest Habitat.  It's small in size, but beautifully landscaped and has more animals than you can pet.  The main attraction is that it's actually a combination of zoo and safari, there are sections of the zoo where animals are roaming free and visitors are actually encouraged to feed them (inexpensive animal feed sold separately).  So, if you ever fancied to befriend kangaroos - this is the place to visit, they'll be all over you, as well as scores of other, less interesting beasts.  The crocodiles however are kept in different enclosure. The largest one had obviously fresh blood on his snout, but I couldn't determine whether it was from a tourist or some unlucky kangaroo.  Another attraction in this zoo is so called "Breakfast with Birds" or "Lunch with Birds" if you came late.  The idea is that you eat from the same plate with other rainforest creatures.  To my surprise however, very few birds showed up for the feast.  And then there was an employee who was periodically shooing away those few birds who showed remote interest.  I thought this was defeating the objective...  But on the other hand, lunch there isn't bad even if you have it all for yourself, and it’s very reasonably priced.

Cooktown
This place has a beach, but warning signs about huge estuarial crocodiles discouraged us from swimming.
Upon arriving on a smallish wooden pier, first thing we saw was a large mango tree, and below a bright painted sign: "Welcometo Cooktown", I preserve the original spacing.  Under the sign we received a free map, according to which there are at least few streets in the city, however we only found one.  Walking along this street, soon we came upon another rather weathered sign that said that about 100 years ago, Cooktown was the largest port in Queensland, or one of the largest... In either case it isn't much.  Whoever called this place a "town" made a gross overstatement.  Most likely this place wouldn't be on the map at all, if captain Cook hasn't shipwrecked there about 240 years ago.  He spent few weeks on the beach, fixing the ship and couldn't wait to leave and go to Hawaii.  There are numerous monuments in town commemorating these unfortunate circumstances.  Australians seem to be obsessed with anything related to Cook – he’s Australian Columbus. 
In any case, Cook left the future location of Cooktown as soon as he could, a point obviously missed by current residents.  Amazingly, walking along the only street, I spotted two real estate agencies, one of them was 2 stores high, towering over the rest of the city.  The business must have been slow for them, in fact there were quite a few vacant lots along the main street.   It seems that in 200+ years after Cook’s departure few people found this place desirable.
I did however enjoyed my short stay in Cooktown to the maximum extent the circumstances allowed.  Of all the places where to get shipwrecked, this probably is the best - ripe mangos hang of the trees, there are fresh juicy crocodiles in the river, and best of all, in local convenience store bananas are free!  My favorite attraction however is an ancient canon proudly displayed near the only pier.  The sign next to it explains that in 1885, residents of Cooktown sent a request to provincial government in Brisbane to provide them with "competent officer and ammunition to defend against Russian invasion"! The officials in Brisbane considered the strategic importance of the mango tree and provided town with weaponry that in my opinion perfectly matched the gravity of the threat:  one officer (as requested), 2 rifles, and a canon (circa 1803) with 3 canon balls... I am not making this up.  If you don't believe me, come to Cooktown and see this first ever Cold War artifact for yourself!   Even though the original canonballs are not on display, you can still see a good life-like depiction of each of the three on the sign.